Memories...

It's funny how memories can come flooding back...sometimes when you want them...other times, well, not so much.  Good or bad, your memories are part of you.  Some you try desperately to cling to, others you would give anything to forget.  But it is all of these that make you...you...unique...and individual.

I have been struggling with memories of mine for the past few weeks...so good, some not so much.  It all started for me when my wife's Granddaddy was moved from his home (of I don't know how many years...decades, actually) out to my in-laws place across the great state of Virginia.  Although it wasn't his true desire to move, it was a necessity due to his rapidly declining health.  I didn't see Grandaddy for almost a week after the move, but when I finally did, the memories came flooding back.  Seeing him lying there, a shell of the man I once knew, reminded me of my Dad and of my grandfather, Papa.

My Dad was beyond special to me.  In 1987, when he and my Mom married, he took me in as his own.  He never referred to, or treated, me as anything other than his "son."  My Mom will tell you that he "ruined" me.  :)  In all honesty, he taught me the importance of a hard day's work and earning a living...he taught me the importance of helping others...he taught me the importance of always giving and doing my best...he taught me the importance of being truthful and honest...he taught me the importance of always treating women with respect and honor (especially your Mother)...he taught me the importance of so many things, but, basically, he taught me the importance of being a man.  He was my Dad, and I was his son...period.  No one could tell us otherwise.  When my Dad's health began to fade due to congestive heart failure, it was so hard to watch...so hard to watch this proud, strong, independent man be taken down by such a terrible disease.  I was active duty Navy during most of his illness, so I wasn't able to see him much.  And when I did get to, the change in him was heartbreaking...BUT, he was always in good spirits.  I was stationed overseas when he passed in January 2001.  I did get to come home for a while around Christmas (2000), about a month before he died.  Getting to see him that one last time is a memory that I truly cherish...and not to mention the countless other memories that we shared.  But on the other hand, I was not able to be with him when his time came...I was not by his side...and that is a memory that will always haunt me.

My Papa's health also faded fast due, again, to a heart condition.  I will always believe that he died of a broken heart.  The exact year escapes me now, but my grandmother, Nana, was taken quite suddenly and unexpectedly by a stroke....and, if memory serves, it was barely a year later before my Papa had gone on to join her.  It was almost as if he simply gave up.  They had been together for so long that once she was gone, he simply didn't want to go on without her.  To me, it is heartbreaking and romantic all at the same time.  I have so many wonderful memories of my Nana and Papa...the walks with my Papa, the treats my Nana would make me, chasing butterflies in their back yard, NEVER leaving the back gate open, helping in Papa's garden...I could go on and on.  Once Nana passed, I only got to see Papa a couple of times...and once his health started to deteriorate, I never saw him again.  In a way, I'm glad, glad that I didn't see him as that shell...but on the other hand, I never got to say good-bye.  And again, that continues to haunt me to this day.

While the many memories of Grandaddy will live on...memories of sitting on the garage top, of showers in the basement, of my daughter riding with him to go check the calves, and so many others...I am SO glad that my wife, my daughter, and especially my mother-in-law now have the memory of being with Granddaddy there at the end.  I am glad they got to spend time with him and say their good-byes.  And I am especially thankful that my mother-in-law was by her Daddy's side when he was called home.  I know that there is no other place that he would have wanted her, and no other place that she would have wanted to be.  As hard as it may be now, for everyone, these memories of Granddaddy's last days will be cherished for a lifetime.

Journeys...

I know it sounds cliche, but life is a journey.  Is it an easy journey?  Not by any means!  It has it's up, downs, happy times, sad times, roadblocks, etc....and that is what makes each of our journeys unique.  I will say this, our journeys are much better if we have others to share it with...spouses, family, friends, and, yes, even pets.

These past few weeks have been ones of many, sometimes difficult, journeys for our family.  

• It started with having to move my wife's 93 year-old grandfather out with her parents due to his failing health...the next step in my mother-in-law's journey of caring for her aging father. 
• It continued to my daughter's national dance competition...the culmination of a year's journey that has included countless hours of classes, practices, rehearsals, recitals, performances, and other regional competitions.  
• During the week's competition, my wife's Grandaddy passed peacefully in his sleep.  His wishes were honored, and he was surrounded by those he loved, and who loved him.  Grandaddy will be missed, but he will never be forgotten.  We don't say goodbye, but rather see you again one day...his journey is finished.
• The next stage of our journey found us all heading out the same day to different places across the country.  My wife and her parents have headed back to their home town to lay Grandaddy to rest...my daughter headed to NYC for a week of training in the performing arts...and I headed out to TX to visit family.

So how do I, as a husband and Dad, deal with my family being pulled so many different directions?  Did I show enough support for my daughter at her competition?  What about her trip to NYC...was I right to send her alone?  And what about my wife?  Am I abandoning her in her time of need by deciding to go ahead, at her urging, and travel to TX to visit my family (a trip that has been planned for months, by the way)?  Why do I feel that no decision that I could have made would have been 100% correct?

During this journey we call life, we will be faced with MANY decisions and choices that we will need to make...and thanks to our human nature, we will screw up more than our share of them.  We will worry, we will stress, we will mess up...but we will never be forgotten or forsaken.  I don't know about you, but that simple fact is a HUGE comfort to me.  A couple of scriptures that I draw strength from come from Isaiah 41...

"fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

and my favorite since childhood...

"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you.'" (Isaiah 41:13)

So instead of worrying about whether or not everything I do is correct, I need to focus on what God's plan is, and carry that out to the best of my ability.  I may not be perfect, but like my Father, I will always be there for my girls during their journey...and there is no other place I would rather be.

And so it begins...

Today is the day...my first official "blog."  I have gone back and forth as to whether or not I should do this...after all, would anyone really want to read my rambling thoughts, insights and opinions?  But, I finally decided to go ahead.  If nothing else, it will most likely give me something to look back on later and wonder what the heck I was thinking...

So first, a little bit about me.  

I was raised in a Christian home.  I came to know Christ at a fairly young age and I did what I thought I was supposed to do...be nice to others, give money as the offering plate was passed, get dressed up to go to church every Sunday morning and evening, and again on Wednesday evening.  Basically, I was a Christian in appearance only.  As I got older, I tended to “wander off” from Christ, only to come crawling back when I needed Him.  Then, when things were back on track, I would head off on my own, thinking I could handle things.  Looking back now, the journey of my life definitely looks like the Footprints poem.  One of my favorite quotes is “Want to make God laugh?  Tell him your plans.”  I must have had God rolling back then.  Today, I realize that I’m a passenger on this journey.  God already has a plan in place for me, and He is in charge.  I just have to trust in Him and follow His guidance.  Is it always easy?  Not at all!  That’s where faith comes in, and that’s how our faith gets stronger.  I am working daily in my relationship and journey with Christ.  I strive each and every day to become more and more a man of God.  I slip up, I get knocked down, I fail...there are many and roadblocks and setbacks...but I keep getting back up, learn from my mistakes and try to do better.  I am FAR from perfect, believe me, and I have a ways to go in my journey. But, thankfully, I am loved by a patient, loving, and perfect God.  

What I am is simply a Dad...a struggling Dad, thrown into the fire, so to say, and learning as I go.  I struggle each and every day with decisions, temptations, family, friends, finances, home, work, etc.  Basically, I struggle with life.  I have been blessed with a wonderful family...a loving, beautiful wife and an amazing daughter...and, together, we face many different life situations, making our share of mistakes and learning valuable life lessons along the way. One thing I have learned is that raising my daughter is one of the scariest and hardest things I have ever done.  Simply because not only am I responsible for myself, but I’m responsible for her as well.  And not just her physical well-being, but, most importantly, her spiritual well-being...and that scares the crap out of me.

Last night was another "first" and "life lesson" for me. My daughter...a pre-teen...had her first "date" last night. She brought her boyfriend home to meet me, have dinner and watch a movie. I have to admit, she was beyond nervous...and I found it rather amusing. She really wants me to like this young man...which I take as a positive sign. But what keeps nagging at me is whether or not I Am really ready for my daughter to be dating. It seems like just yesterday, she was this little girl...a toddler...begging me to pick her up, give her a piggy-back ride, or give her yet another "horsey" ride on my knee. Where has that little girl gone? Now I have to worry about dating...boys...broken hearts...and the dreaded "S" word. I am SO not ready for this...but more importantly, am I prepared for this...and have I prepared my daughter for this. Have I taught her well enough in the ways of Christ? Will she stand firm in her faith and make good choices, or will she give in to pier pressure? All I can do is continue to reaffirm Jesus' teachings...by my words and my actions...and pray that she handles the rest as a Godly young woman.

I have to keep telling myself to just breath and relax...that this is all part of growing up...all part of life...that I need to be supportive and not smother her...that I need to let her find her way...that I need to keep loving her no matter what. But, letting go is easier said than done. She is my little girl...and always will be...no matter what.

This dating thing is going to happen, whether I like it or not, and all I can say now is...

And so it begins...

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